I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No subtext here. People are naked.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
