My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
