Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
