I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
