I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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