New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
