would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
