Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
