I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
