at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
this is an emotional support booty call
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
