tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize