oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
