it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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