Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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