I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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