i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
