based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
