remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
