K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
