I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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