You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
