My sheets look like a crime scene.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
