Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
