literally had 100 drinks last night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize