i love accidental penises.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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