After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
