I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize