you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
