I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I look better un-naked...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
