The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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