we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
