About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
