Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
