I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Randomize