DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
