This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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