I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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