Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
try to milk me bitch
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize