I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
