I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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