just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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