it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize