She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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