saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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