Are we in a gay sports bar?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
