Don't make out with my wife yet
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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