Your face is a jimmy john
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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