Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
high people should be assigned attendants
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
