The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
