Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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