just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
