After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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