I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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