she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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