Your face is a jimmy john
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
