Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
