Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
