Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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