No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
P.S. I can't hear my feet
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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