It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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