I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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