hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
